A lazy afternoon at work

It's working time now, and I have not been "working" since this morning.
Gosh...the saying "It's easier said than done' has never been so true. I have constantly
reminded myself that things will get better if I have faith in it. Yes, I know I should persevere and every ups will be met with downs before going up again. This vicious cycle will never end but the down cycle seems harder than I thought. Bad news is a norm at times like these and the seed you sow will have slow or retarded growth regardless of how much water or sunshine you gave.
When is this going to end? Should I see this as a blessing in disguise? Where's the "blessing"? I need to find it!!

Enough of complains, I am striving to overturn the curse of me being branded a NATO (No, Action Talk Only).
I have my plans set and I have my will, I will weather the storm. More patience and Zen, that's what I really need now.
Right, back to work now...Focus..focuss....Hocus...Pocus...Puffffff...

When enough is really enough ...

At the time I'm writing this, I've already being home for at least a week.
This one week is nothing but pure bliss to me. I didn't think taking holidays is all that important until this time. Well, yeah of course you'll be "home" everyday, you may argue.
But what I'm trying to say is this.

Just imagine that ...

1. I don't have to wake up at 8 am in the morning, get dressed, and drives groggily to work.
2. I don't have to worry about tasks that needs to be completed.
3. I don't fret about unfinished tasks or projects.
4. I don't have to face the music for tasks not done properly (or think of excuses to save my a**).
5. I don't have to have close encounters with the great"taichi master" that I may loathe or meet people that are a fickle and hypocrites.
6. I don't have to feel frustrated for a good job done with lack of recognition.
7. I don't have to feel depressed when bad news or announcement looms or became a reality.
8. I don't have to read emails and respond to them.
9. I don't have to worry about lunch time and what to eat.
10. And finally, I don't have to spend my 12 hours on it.

All the points aforementioned pretty sums up to the dreaded four-letter-word of W-O-R-K.
And by the tone of the writing, you'll notice that it is very discouraging and filled with negativity.

Let's take a step back and trace how all this happened...

You seee...For the past 6 months, I have not have any proper rest as I have been slogging and slogging like no tomorrow at work trying to get my tasks done. And I may have thought that I'm a superwoman of some kind, and I'm doing this without any break. Zero. No break at all until ....well the Chinese New Year, but guess what? I' was STILL WORKING and supporting my counterpart on Chinese New Year as well. So that doesn't count as a proper holiday as well.

And being so overwhelmed with work plus all the stress, frustration and sometimes tense situation has got the better of me and so I've turned into a grouchy tiger waiting to pounce and chomp someone's head off at any moment. I was a live ticking time bomb about to explode.This definitely triggers the chain of event that follows:

Needless to say, I need to mention that I'm easily irritated by things or scenario that changes all the time. No firm answer, that's it. I hate it!
I wonder why is it so hard for someone to make a decision and be firm about it.
A "confirmation" is liken to a "maybe". And someone's "yes" is actually a "no" and vice versa.

Just imagine this (I know its not the greatest example..but...who cares).

Scenario:
You felt the urge to pee. And you walk to the toilet and there in front of you lies the urinal.

1. Do you actually think before you pee? Should you pee or not?
2. Do you change your mind then decided not to pee?

Come on, for most people , the answer would be NO and you'll just pee.,right?..but for some strange reasons, there are people that turned back and walk away. But why???
Why can't you just stick with the damn decision??

Also, why do some people will not admit any mistakes despite being starkly WRONG?
Does uttering the word "SORRY" takes so much effort?

And and, can you just do whatever you like, selfishly without thinking of how other's might feel?
Like changing a certain stuff/processes to suit you needs and then causing grief to the so rightful owner of the stuff/processes you've changed? Gosh..please have some common sense. The least you can do is just ASK.

All these peculiar events could not have happened at a better time. And that's how they drove me up the wall. So on a very fine day, all hell broke lose and that's when I showed my stripes (a.ka harimau menunjukkan belang). Crouching tiger have at long last appear from her hidings in the bush, ready to unleash her mighty power. I wasn't happy to be frank and that's when I snapped and cursed and throw hurtful remarks. Nothing could stop me.

When that happened, this is it...I know it's time that I needed a break. A long break. A long hiatus.AWAY from WORK....that's it.


So here I am now, writing this blog on my favourite spot on my comfy couch sipping my favourite milk tea.

As the saying goes "Every cloud has a silver lining" and this has never been so true to me.
I felt that I have lost control of my life and now it's time for redemption. Not that I've done anything wrong, but with the time that I have now, I'll redefine my goals and this time ensure that my work life should revolve around me, and not the other way round! I need to set my priorities right, and work will never be the first priority again.

Quoting what Suze Orman always preach, "People first, then money, then things".
I'll live by this rule now.

Don't worry, once I'm fully recharged, I'm back not with a vengeance, but the same ol' tamed ellwye (imagine puss-in boots in Shrek.. lol ;)) taking charge of her life and beyond!

Have a good day. :)

RE: Hard work doesn't always pays off

As unhappy as I was in my previous posts, I have this little voice in me that keeps telling me that things will get better. To me, I do find it kinda hard focusing on my work, and at the same time, trying to convince myself that everything will be alright. Deadline is approaching and yet I am not in productive mode. This tiny voice really keeps me going for the last few days. Anyway, as much as I hate it, things just took a turn for the worse today.Reality bites, I should have seen this coming.

I was working from home yesterday night ( Read: I AM STILL WORKING) when I turned on my laptop. At that time it was already almost midnight. When I opened my mailbox, an email titled "Message from Bill" caught my attention. This is not like any other communication email that I receive all the time, I thought. Then it hits me. This is a message from our CEO. My heart skipped.

The next thing I knew, my heart just sank. My worst fear has happened. To summed it all up, basically I shall be receiving 0% increment for next year. (Read: ZERO). Apart from that, if there's a promotion, there will not be any salary increment too. Stock purchase plan has changed and variable pay (ARV) will be computed differently with some percentage to go to Individual performance bonuses, all for the worse of course. At that moment, I felt that all my hard work, and effort have evaporated into thin air. What a bummer!

My feelings was a mixture of sadness, dissapointment, frustration, distraught, disgust, horrified, confused (anymore negative words) all broiling inside me. It's hard for me to fathom that hard work doesn't always pay off....I have learnt it the hard way. I 've come to a realization that when economic situation is in turmoil, situation changes. I must have taken things for granted all these while thus I am ignoring all the "visible signs".

So how am I dealing with this now?

On one hand I can start to run amok, cry like a baby, go bitching and complain about my life each day, cursing everybody that crosses my path, stop working completely, or send out hate mails to my managers or perhaps go to work looking like a drunken zombie, you name it.

On the other hand, I can keep up with my good work, keep improving my skills, enhance my knowledge, constantly look out for better opportunity (be it in another job opening or scholarship offers), or maybe delve into some side business or learn to do some investment and etc etc....

Looking at the options, I think I'd prefer the latter. I don't think I'd have the energy like the Incredible Hulk, running amok, hating everyone and passing abusive remarks. It may sound silly, but I'd rather keep up with what I am doing now regardless of what the situation is now. There's a saying that goes "When one door closes, another door opens". So for now, I will try to live by it, constantly looking for the "door" that's open. I shall persevere. My moment will come one day. I just need to be a wee bit more patient.

I know it's easier said than done..I have had my "down" moments and emotional outburst for days now, so I think it is time for me to get back on my feet. My little voice is back. She's telling me that this is temporary, have more faith and things will just get better..again..only time will tell..but I will not give up!

Does hard work pays off?

Somehow, I am emotionally drained...it has been the 2nd week that I have not been blogging..I think it is lame to say that I am busy...I know that I need to have a life...but somehow it just bothers me so much if I am not getting my tasks done. I am busy, worst still I am feeling unhappy...:(..

I guess it is just one of those days when I am feeling stressed out...Sometimes, I really do wonder if all the hard work and effort I put in do pay off? It's the feeling of frustration that drives me crazy..why do I choose to take the long and winding road? Why am I putting such a high expectations on my self? *sigh*

It's been years but I have yet to reap the fruits that I've sowed....sometimes I do wonder if I am doing the right thing? That's something that I don't know..I just feel sooo lost now.....

I guess I just need to hang in there a lil' bit longer...only time will tell...